**Retail Training Video: "Restroom Apocalypse"** *(Angry punk-ska hybrid energy, shouted like a manager who has finally snapped)* **[Intro – spoken over toilet flushing and paper towel dispenser dying noises]** Welcome to Module 7: Restroom Warfare. Today we learn why the bathroom looks like a crime scene every single goddamn shift. **[Verse 1]** Listen up, associates, gather ‘round ‘Cause the customers are out here burning this place down Not with fire — with shit, piss, and pure fucking spite Turning our restrooms into a biohazard overnight They walk in clean, they walk out like animals Clogs in the toilet, paper on the walls Piss on the seat, shit on the floor And somehow they still leave the door open for more **[Chorus]** Stupid freaking idiot customers Flippin’ destroying the mudder fuggen restrooms! I don’t know what they do in there But it ain’t human and it ain’t fair Stupid freaking idiot customers Flippin’ destroying the mudder fuggen restrooms! We scrub, we mop, we bleach, we cry And they just keep coming back to try **[Verse 2]** There’s the “I didn’t do it” guy who flooded the stall There’s the “mystery explosion” that hits the wall There’s the lady who used twelve rolls of paper And the dude who left a present that made the sink cry later Hand dryer screaming, soap dispenser empty Floors so wet you’d think we installed a jetty Air so thick you can taste the regret And management still says “just reset, just reset” **[Chorus]** Stupid freaking idiot customers Flippin’ destroying the mudder fuggen restrooms! I don’t know what they do in there But it ain’t human and it ain’t fair Stupid freaking idiot customers Flippin’ destroying the mudder fuggen restrooms! We scrub, we mop, we bleach, we cry And they just keep coming back to try **[Bridge – half-spoken, half-screamed]** This is not a suggestion. This is not a joke. If you see a customer walking toward the bathroom With that look in their eye… God help us all. **[Final Chorus – full chaos]** Stupid freaking idiot customers Flippin’ destroying the mudder fuggen restrooms! Clock in, clock out, bleach your soul This job is slowly taking its toll Stupid freaking idiot customers Flippin’ destroying the mudder fuggen restrooms! One more clog, one more mess And I’m walking out of this stress **[Outro – tired manager voice]** …Please initial that you have completed this training. And for the love of everything holy, Check the bathrooms every thirty minutes.
