[OPENING — lone piano, overly sincere] There once was a time, or so Grandpa recalls, When somebody answered when somebody called. A product was tested, a promise meant something, And “customer service” involved actual helping. [Soft strings] They built things to last, They fixed what went wrong, And somehow a toaster Outlived half our songs. [Record scratch] But fortunately— [BRASS FANFARE] We fixed all of that! [VERSE 1] Now quality’s costly, And training takes time, And competent people Can hurt the bottom line. So shorten the testing, Outsource the crew, Replace all the experts With somebody cheaper and new. [Jaunty clarinet] Put six menus in front of the customer, Then ask them to choose. If none of the buttons accomplish a thing— [Pause] Blame the user. They lose. [PRE-CHORUS] [Strings climb melodramatically] We promised convenience! We promised control! We digitized everything— [Orchestra stops] Including the hole. [CHORUS] [FULL ORCHESTRA — absurdly triumphant] GOOD ENOUGH! GOOD ENOUGH! That’s the standard we adore! Why make something excellent When “mostly works” costs less in stores? GOOD ENOUGH! GOOD ENOUGH! Put the slogan on the wall! If the customer expected more— Well, that’s really not our fault at all! [Corporate choir] Not our fault! Not our fault! Please complete the survey after the call! [VERSE 2 — INNOVATION] [Bouncy pizzicato strings] We hired a vice president Of Digital Delight, Who’s never met a customer— But has PowerPoint just right. Seventeen circles, Three arrows and a cloud, Then “customer journey” Very confidently loud. [Tuba] We redesigned the website, We launched a shiny app. It takes eleven screens now To find the thing you had. The old system worked? How terribly passé. Nothing says “innovation” Like throwing it away. [CHORUS] [Bigger orchestra, sax joins] GOOD ENOUGH! GOOD ENOUGH! Raise efficiency some more! Every corner that we’re cutting Leaves another on the floor! GOOD ENOUGH! GOOD ENOUGH! Watch productivity ascend! We saved seventeen cents per customer— And lost the customer in the end! [Choir] Synergy! Strategy! Please hold while we transfer you again! [VERSE 3 — DISPOSABLE EVERYTHING] [Mock-serious strings] Somewhere along the way We made a curious deal: We stopped asking, “Is it good?” And started asking, “Will it sell?” Make the refrigerator cheaper, Make the furniture thin, If it survives the warranty, That counts as a win. The shirt lasts six washings, The printer lasts two years, The software ships Tuesday— We’ll fix the bugs next year. [Cello sighs] Why build something lasting When they’ll buy another one? Throw it away. Order again. Look—GDP went up! Everyone won! [Triangle ding] Apparently. [BRIDGE — GREAT CORPORATE REVELATION] [Piano, cello, French horns] Quality costs money, So we shaved another dime, Then spent a million dollars Wondering why they left this time. We formed a special task force, Brought consultants in. They interviewed the executives Who explained how great we’d been. They studied twelve demographics, Made charts from A to Z, Then proudly shared the finding— [Orchestra silent] “Customers want… quality.” [Pause] No. Really? [CONSULTANT BALLET] [Tap rhythm, brass stabs, xylophone] We benchmarked! We brainstormed! We leveraged the brand! We optimized engagement No one seemed to understand! We streamlined every workflow, We transformed every queue! And after eighteen months of meetings— [CYMBAL CRASH] THE THING STILL DOESN’T DO WHAT IT’S SUPPOSED TO DO! [FINAL CHORUS] [Huge orchestra — rock drums, brass, strings, sax, choir] GOOD ENOUGH! GOOD ENOUGH! Raise your quarterly champagne! We eliminated craftsmanship And monetized the pain! GOOD ENOUGH! GOOD ENOUGH! Let the shareholders rejoice! We gave the customer seventeen options— Except the useful choice! GOOD ENOUGH! GOOD ENOUGH! We perfected “almost right!” Our technology is cutting-edge— It only fails when you use it. [Beat] At night. Or daytime. Or weekends. Or after updates. [GRAND FINALE] [Absurdly majestic full orchestra] We automated service! We outsourced the skill! We lowered every standard And somehow charge you still! We built the cheaper product! We celebrated every dime! Then spent a million dollars Wondering why they left this time! [Key change] GOOD ENOUGH! [Choir] GOOD ENOUGH! The proud new standard of the age! Where excellence is expensive— And incompetence… [Huge swell] …is apparently scalable! [Final brass chord, cymbal crash] GOOD ENOOOOOUGH! [Everything cuts out. One lonely piano note.] [Spoken] “Your feedback is very important to us.” [Automated voice] “Goodbye.” [Click.]
