[INTRO — GRAND PALACE ANNOUNCER] [FOLEY: marble doors, chandelier shimmer, distant fountain] Ladies and gentlemen… distinguished scholars… aspiring intellectuals… and those of you who wandered in from the parking lot… Welcome… to PRECIOUS PIERRE’S POETRY PALACE. [CHOIR] Ahhhhhhh… Here, we aim to expand upon the very origins of human culture. The poem. [TR-808 SUB DROP] [BLISTERKITTEN — FORT SMITH DRAWL] Yeah. The poem. [AD-LIB] “Mhm.” [ANNOUNCER] For centuries, humanity has struggled to communicate its deepest emotions. Love. Death. War. Desire. Existential despair. And naturally… we have decided everybody else is doing it wrong. [HIGH SOCIETY CROWD] “Ooooooh!” [VERSE 1 — FORT SMITH TRAP SOUL] Welcome to the Palace, wipe your boots at the door, Velvet on the ceiling, opinions on the floor. Crystal in the windows, gold leaf on the chair, If your poem ain’t incomprehensible, baby, we don’t care. You brought twelve pages about your broken heart? How tragically provincial. Please return to the start. You said the moon was pretty? How aggressively sincere. We’ve already banned the moon for being emotionally unclear. [BG VOCALS] “Ooooh…” “That’s unfortunate…” “Mm-hmm…” [SYMPHONIC INTERLUDE I] [FULL ORCHESTRA — OVERDRAMATIC ROMANTIC-ERA SYMPHONIC MOVEMENT] [VIOLINS: frantic ascending run] [CELLOS: ominous descent] [BRASS: heroic fanfare] [CHOIR] AHHHHHHH! [ORCHESTRA HARD STOPS] [ONE PIANO NOTE] [ANNOUNCER — WHISPER] Magnificent. We have no idea what that meant. But it sounded expensive. [VERSE 2 — TRAP RETURNS] [HEVV3 — LOW ARKANSAS DRAWL] You call yourself a poet? That’s adorable, little friend. You rhyme “fire” with “desire”? Please. Have some self-respect. Your metaphor is obvious. Your symbolism is thin. Your stanza lacks sufficient continental gravitas within. You say, “I write from my heart.” [PAUSE] How embarrassing. Here at Precious Pierre’s, we write from the chandelier. [AD-LIB] “That’s right.” We don’t merely make statements. We insinuate. We don’t explain emotions. We vaguely gesticulate. We don’t tell you what it means. That’s beneath the Palace creed. We simply stare into the distance while pretending that we read. [BG CROWD] “Ooooooh!” [AD-LIB] “Profound.” [COMMERCIAL BREAK] [FOLEY: champagne glasses, marble footsteps] [ANNOUNCER] At Precious Pierre’s Poetry Palace, your admission includes: One complimentary judgment. Two unsolicited critiques. And absolutely no validation whatsoever. Our Platinum Literary Experience also includes access to the Hall of People Who Definitely Understand Baudelaire. [WHISPERED BG] “Do they?” [ANNOUNCER] No. But they nod convincingly. [SYMPHONIC INTERLUDE II] [ORCHESTRA — BEETHOVEN-ESQUE PARODY] [PIANO OCTAVES] [LOW STRINGS: relentless] [BRASS: enormous heroic fanfare] [CHOIR] AAAAAAAA! [ORCHESTRA BUILDS TO RIDICULOUS CLIMAX] [HARD CUT] [BLISTERKITTEN — WHISPER] …It was about a duck. [ONE PIANO NOTE] [DEAD SILENCE] [VERSE 3 — DARKER TRAP SOUL] I came to the Palace. They said, “Who are you?” I said, “I’m a poet.” They said, “Prove it.” I said, “I have feelings.” They said, “Absolutely not.” [AD-LIB] “Get out.” [HEVV3] The dribble that you spew into the minds of the masses is simply this: [BEAT CUT] SHIT. [SUB DROP] [CHOIR] OOOOOOOOH! [LAUGHTER] [BLISTERKITTEN] But don’t take it personal, that’s simply how we greet. We insult your entire oeuvre before offering you a seat. Your sonnet’s insufficient. Your haiku lacks prestige. Your free verse needs a visa before it crosses through the gate. [AD-LIB] “Denied.” [HEVV3] Your literary genius has been carefully reviewed. [PAUSE] We have decided… [WHISPER] …you’re screwed. [FINAL BUILD — ORCHESTRA + TRAP] [ANNOUNCER — GRAND AND UNHINGED] So come! Come, noble patron! Come behold the Crystal Palace! Come gaze upon the sacred manuscripts! Come whisper your deepest thoughts into our acoustically perfect marble hallway! Come spend your money! Come question your talent! Come discover that somewhere beneath your fragile ego… [DRAMATIC PAUSE] …there is absolutely no Pulitzer Prize. [CHOIR] AHHHHHHH! [OUTRO — BASS + PIANO] [BLISTERKITTEN — SWEET SOUTHERN CUSTOMER-SERVICE VOICE] Thank you for your patronage. Please don’t forget to tip the staff… [PAUSE] …as they retract their fists from your ass. [AD-LIB — DELIGHTED] “Thank you!” [ANNOUNCER] Have a wonderful day. And please… come back soon. [BLISTERKITTEN — SEDUCTIVE WHISPER] 💋 [FOLEY: GIANT PALACE DOORS SLAM] [ORCHESTRA: FINAL ABSURDLY DRAMATIC CHORD] [CHOIR] PRECIOUS PIERRE’S! [VINYL STOP] [DEAD SILENCE]
