Dreams of Motherhood

I always wanted to be a mother Dreamed of rocking someone gently to sleep Wondered what breastfeeding would feel like A quiet love I longed to keep But I knew it was something I could never be At least, that’s what the world kept telling me I wasn’t supposed to have those feelings So I tucked them away, silently They were there from when I was very young A secret heartbeat underneath my skin But no one could know about it So I locked that tenderness within Being born in the wrong body Carrying a name that never fit The wrong gender, the wrong story Still, I held on to dreams of motherhood Being a mother was a wish I wore like a bruise beneath my pride Something to be ashamed of Something to hide Together with my true self I learned to disappear Smiling through the hollow spaces Hiding all my tears I watched other women hold their children And felt joy and ache entwine A longing that was sacred And heartbreak all at once, inside Now, decades later I’m finally being myself I’m seeing my breasts grow Like a promise made to health And with them, those feelings returned Soft and fierce and strangely new Hope arriving with the mourning For the motherhood I’ll never do Being born in the wrong body Carrying a name that never fit The wrong gender, the wrong story Still, I held on to dreams of motherhood Being a mother was a wish I wore like a bruise beneath my pride Something to be ashamed of Something to hide And in the grief, I still am blooming In the loss, I'm still here A woman now learning how to love herself Through every ache, through every tear I may not have the life I pictured But I know now, deep inside My heart was always reaching For the child I never got to cradle And the mother I was meant to be