[Verse 1] I woke up at noon My alarm went off Sometime around Last Thursday My wife texted “we should talk” Then “actually Forget it” Then a thumbs-up Then the divorce lawyer’s email The kids asked if I was coming To the recital I said “Absolutely” And meant “Eventually” I missed it by two days Which is impressive Even for me [muted guitar stab] [Chorus] Congratulations on your ongoing collapse You’ve really taken it To the next level (round of applause in my head) Congratulations on your ongoing collapse You stuck the landing Face-first In front of everyone [Verse 2] At work they called it “Right-sizing” Which is a fun way to say “It’s definitely you” They offered a cardboard box And a brochure On “mindful transitions” Printed in calming colors I updated my résumé Under “skills” I wrote “Making sure things Don’t work out” Under “interests” I put “Apologizing late And meaning it For about a week” [eerie synth pad swells Then cuts] [Chorus] [Bridge] My therapist asked “How does that make you feel?” I said “Like me But more so” My father said “At your age I had three houses” I said “At my age I have three unread messages” My son asked “Is this what being a grown-up is?” I said “God I hope not But probably” [guitar stab] [bass and drums drop for a beat Then slam back in] [Chorus]
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