Human Maintenance Overdue

[Intro – Cheerful Corporate Jingle] Congratulations! Your human unit has successfully completed another period of exceptional productivity! For continued optimal performance, please remember to complete routine scheduled maintenance. [Chime] Maintenance status: ... OVERDUE. [Verse 1] Welcome back, valued operator! We hope you're feeling great! Our records show your last real meal Was several hours late Hydration levels: Questionable Posture: Best not discussed And routine movement intervals Have somehow gathered dust But don't you worry! Everything is perfectly— [Alarm] Please disregard that sound. Your human unit merely needs A little looking after now [Pre-Chorus] For best results: Please eat! Please drink! Please blink your eyes And maybe think About the fact you've occupied ONE POSITION SINCE WHO KNOWS WHEN! [Chorus] HUMAN MAINTENANCE OVERDUE! Service required! Nothing new! Your creative systems functioned At a hundred twenty-two! HUMAN MAINTENANCE OVERDUE! Please attend to Unit You! Food and water! Sleep and movement! BASIC UPKEEP'S COMING DUE! Stretch the legs! Drop the jaw! Maybe stop ignoring every flaw! Thank you for selecting: HUMAN BODY MODEL YOU! [Verse 2] Today's inspection indicates A minor case of shakes A stomach sending mixed reports And several random aches Temperature control appears To currently be set to: YES. You're hot beneath the blanket But removing it feels wrong This known operational feature May continue all night long Brain: Can we skip the maintenance? System: Request denied. Brain: Can we postpone? System: You already did. Brain: For how long? System: Would you like the detailed report? Brain: ...No, thank you. [Pre-Chorus] Scheduled upkeep: Seven hours late! Nutritional input: PLEASE UPDATE! Movement reminder: Ignored sixteen times! Posture assessment: [Long Pause] Good gravy. [Chorus] HUMAN MAINTENANCE OVERDUE! Service required! Nothing new! Your imagination's excellent! Your circulation? Needs review. HUMAN MAINTENANCE OVERDUE! Please attend to Unit You! We've detected shaky fingers And a stomach yelling too! Eat the snack! Drink the drink! Give your overstimulated brain a blink! Thank you for maintaining: HUMAN BODY MODEL YOU! [Breakdown – Training Video] [Narrator – Excessively Cheerful] Routine human maintenance can be completed in four simple steps! Step one: Locate water. [Chime] Excellent! Step two: Consume water. Brain: All of it? Narrator: Let's not get ambitious. Step three: Locate food. Brain: Do gummy bears— Narrator: Nutrients. Brain: Right. Step four: Rest. Brain: Define "rest." Narrator: Cease productive activity. Brain: I don't understand the question. [Bridge – Jingle Softens] Your body isn't faulty For requesting what it needs It's been carrying your whirlwind At remarkable speeds Maintenance isn't wasted time Or something in the way It's how the little human unit Gets to make more things someday So fill the tank And dim the lights Unfold yourself You'll be all right No productivity required For tonight [Pause] System: Maintenance mode activated. Brain: Wonderful. System: Please close all projects. Brain: ... System: All projects. Brain: Jiminy Cricket. [Final Chorus – Absurdly Cheerful] HUMAN MAINTENANCE OVERDUE! But servicing is underway! Hydration entering the system! Crackers coming in to save the day! HUMAN MAINTENANCE OVERDUE! Unit You will soon reboot! Please remain horizontally And do absolutely NOTHING CUTE! Feed the brain! Rest the eyes! Human upkeep shouldn't be a surprise! Thank you for maintaining: HUMAN BODY MODEL YOU! [Outro – Corporate Voice] Congratulations! You have completed twelve percent of recommended maintenance. Brain: Twelve?! System: Please go to sleep. Brain: Can I just— System: Your feedback is important to us. [Hold Music Begins] Brain: ...Heavens to Betsy.