I was walkin’ downtown, just killin’ some time. Saw a sign that said "free cookies inside!" Figured “Why not?” what could go wrong? Now I’m wearin’ a robe and singin’ weird songs. They said, “Brother, welcome! Don't be a fool!” Handed me a candle and a copy of their rules. I thought it was a joke, just some hippie scene, Then they shook my hand and called me “The Moonbeam.” I accidentally joined a cult, I just wanted snacks, now I’m locked in a vault! They took my phone, and jacked my keys, Now I live inside, and I can’t eat beans! Ohhh, I accidentally joined a cult, They said I’ll ascend, but I think I'm on hold! The leader’s weird, he calls himself “Zhorre,” And now I gotta chant every day at four. Wanted online but the cable was blocked, They said “No WiFi, just spiritual thought.” I said “That’s insane!” they said “That’s the key!” And now they're stacking up as a "human tree"... I accidentally joined a cult, Just wanted some snacks, now my life is on halt! They changed my name, took all my cash, Now I gotta bow when I talk about the past! Ohhh, I accidentally joined a cult, They said they wanna reset my life to "default" They won’t let me leave, say “the stars ain’t right” So I gotta go without my Xbox tonight... Man… I don’t even know anymore... I mean, the food’s organic... The robes are kinda comfy... And I do feel spiritually enlightened… …but also, they keep talking about an alien war?? I accidentally joined a cult, Might as well lean in, ‘cause it's really my fault! No more burgers, no more fries, Just a whole lotta incense and glassy red eyes! Ohhh, I accidentally joined a cult, Guess this is my life now, no sense in revolt… Gotta wake up at dawn, gotta praise the moon, And now they're takin' me to, wait... What's that room?!? Uh… if anyone hears this: SEND HELP!
