Verse 1] Clock hits seven, here we go again, Coffee in my hand and I'm praying for the end, “Captain Clipboard” says, “I got a plan,” But he lost the damn plan somewhere in his van. “Two-Thumbs” broke the thing we fixed last week, “Half-Speed Harry” ain't exactly quick, And “Where's-Waldo” vanished when the boss walked in, But somehow he's the first one clocking out again. [Pre-Chorus] We got tools, we got trucks, We got plenty of bad luck, And somehow every Friday afternoon The whole damn crew looks like a circus tent! [Chorus] Sometimes I feel like a monkey fucking a football, Sometimes I swear the football is probably me. We keep screwing up, but we show up every morning, Making memories and destroying company property. “Ol' No-Help” leans against the wall, “Five-Minute Fred” takes an hour for it all, If getting nothing done was an Olympic sport, We'd take home gold—and still be late to court! [Verse 2] There's “Professor Wrong”, he's got an answer for it all, Ask him for a ladder, he'll bring you a wall. “Sparky” wired something that shouldn't spark, Now half the damn building's sitting in the dark. “Lunchbox Larry” ain't worked since ten, He's telling everybody he's “supervising” again. And “Safety Steve” lost his safety glasses, But somehow he's writing us up for wearing hats backwards. [Pre-Chorus] We got deadlines, we got bills, We got supervisors popping pills— Not literally, just figuratively speaking, 'Cause by noon everybody's damn near tweaking! [Chorus] Sometimes I feel like a monkey fucking a football, Sometimes I swear the football is probably me. We keep screwing up, but we show up every morning, Making memories and destroying company property. “Ol' No-Help” leans against the wall, “Five-Minute Fred” takes an hour for it all, If getting nothing done was an Olympic sport, We'd take home gold—and still be late to court! [Bridge] Boss says, “Who the hell did this?” Everybody suddenly starts checking their phone. “Wasn't me, I just got here!” Buddy, you've been here since dawn! Then “Captain Clipboard” clears his throat, Says, “I think I've got a note…” He flips the page and looks confused— “Well hell boys… I think I lost the crew!” [Breakdown] Who's got the wrench? “Don't know.” Who's got the keys? “Don't know.” Who broke the machine? “Wasn't me.” Who ordered lunch? “THAT WAS ME!” [Final Chorus] Sometimes I feel like a monkey fucking a football, Sometimes I swear the football is probably me. We might not be the sharpest damn tools in the shed, But we're one hell of a dysfunctional family. “Ol' No-Help,” “Two-Thumbs,” “Half-Speed Harry,” “Where's-Waldo” disappeared before the coffee got cold, We're proof that somehow, against all odds, A bunch of screwups can still get the job done! [Outro] So here's to the workers, the heroes, the fools, The guys who break things and blame the tools. Tomorrow morning we'll do it again— Same dumb mistakes… Same dumb friends. Clock hits five… “Who screwed that up?” “…Probably me.”
