How many times did I squint at the sun Till my retinas toasted and felt medium-done? I hoped that the neighbors were watching me too While I barked at a pigeon and spilled all my stew! (Splat!) I stared at the clouds till I saw a giraffe Wearing bifocal glasses and a neon pink scarf! How many times? (Hey!) How many times? (Ho!) Did I get my head stuck in a bucket of dough? (Yodel-ay-hee-hoo!) I’m losing my marbles, I’m losing my mind And I’m leaving my dignity way far behind! (Yodel-ay-hee-yodel-ay-hee-hoo!) The moon didn't budge, though I gave it a yank With a giant harpoon and a pressurized tank! I wanted to prove I’m a high-flying guy But I tripped on a lawn chair and poked out my eye! (Ouch!) I tried to be macho, I tried to be tough But I’m made of soft cheese and some old dryer lint fluff! How many times? (Hey!) How many times? (Ho!) Did I get my head stuck in a bucket of dough? (Yodel-ay-hee-hoo!) I’m losing my marbles, I’m losing my mind And I’m leaving my dignity way far behind! (Yodel-ay-hee-yodel-ay-hee-hoo!) Now I’m just sleepy and feeling quite blue Found a half-eaten taco inside of my shoe! I’d look at the sky but I’ve got a stiff neck And my credit score’s gone to a total train wreck! (Cha-ching!) I used to have thoughts that were deep and profound Like "Why is the pizza-box square but the pizza is round?" (Think about it!) It kept me awake till the break of the dawn Now I’m just snoring and mowing the lawn! Adjusting my tinfoil and scratching my head While eating a sandwich in my neighbor's bed! Oh, I thank the Lord that I finally grew Into some other woman's husband—it’s true! I’m free as a bird with a clip on its wing Now listen to me while I do one last thing! (Long, sustained yodel) (Big finish with a honk-honk!)
